I am sorry it has taken me a while to get back to this. I set out every day to work on another post, then get sidetracked. I also have had a few weeks of not feeling well, but hopefully I am over that now!

To start out, I want to thank everyone for your prayers the last few months. I know we could not go through all of this if it were not for God, and the prayers of our friends.

After finding out about the grandmother, I walked around in total shock for probably two weeks. I was having a major pity party inside. I was a little mad at God, too. I felt like how could He give us this promise about the girls and then rip them away. But I want you to know that we serve a GREAT and MIGHTY GOD! He has taken me on such a journey over the last few weeks that if I told it all most would think I was writing a book.

One week after we learned of the grandmother, Tim met me at the top of the stairs at our church on a Thursday night and said we needed to talk before class. He said he had spoke to our friend in Ukraine earlier that day; and he had some bad news. Alyona had been admitted to the hospital with a very high fever, possibly due to some sort of bad infection. Of course my momma bear side kicked in and I intended to go home to buy an airline ticket as soon as class was over. Somehow, some way I wanted to be there with her. Then the brain kicked in and reminded me that if I went I quite probably could not be with her anyway, as I was not family. Not family?!?! She is growing inside of my heart and no matter what the grandmother wants that is not going to stop! Then, on Friday, I spoke to a friend here in the states who is from Russia; and she informed of how the hospitals over there work. WOW! It is not good. I hope we never get to that kind of health care system here in the U.S. When you are in the hospital there you almost need someone with you 24 hours a day. They supposedly do not have orderlies to bring you food or drinks. And to get your medicines your family member must leave the hospital to go get your prescriptions at an external pharmacy, then bring them back for a nurse to give to you. Well, consider that Alyona is an orphan, and the grandmother does not live near her. How is Alyona ever going to get well? But God is in control. Right? Right!!!

You see when we first found out about the girls we thought there was no family. Then, there was a grandmother and an uncle. The grandmother lived in Russia; and we believed both parents had died 4 1/2 years ago. We were thinking, why had the grandmother just left the girls in orphanages? If she really loves them she should come and get them. Well, we are now getting more of the story. It sounds like only one of the parents had passed away back then and the other parent possibly could not afford to care for the girls, so they had to go to the orphanage at that time. From what we've been told, the other parent died last winter. Now the girls have to be entered in the national orphan registration system for a full year before they are eligible or international adoption. I guess the government is hoping the parent will come back to life?!?! Who knows? Anyway, we have now found out that the grandmother has temporarily relocated to Odessa, to be closer to the girls. Well, that did make me feel a little better. I guess... but then she will be more involved with them, too. That will make this all the harder. Well, after Alyona getting sick, and me talking to my friend about the medical care over there, I prayed about what we should do. I then told Tim that I felt we needed to locate the grandmother and offer her the funds to go be with Alyona. I think our friend over there thinks we are crazy!! I just want to show the grandmother Jesus' love. When we asked him to try and find where the grandmother was living, and to go visit her, and offer her some of our money to go be with Alyona, I am sure he had to be thinking, "You Americans are nuts!!! She sends you this mean letter; and you want to help her!!" Well it was not so much to help her as much as it was about someone, anyone, being there with Alyona. I cannot imagine how afraid she must be. Well, we have not been able to find the grandmother. We have tried in Odessa, and in Russia. As of now we are not sure of how Alyona is, or if she has been taken back to the orphanage, or if she is still in the hospital; and not knowing is soooo hard! Any news would be welcome, but maybe this is God's way of making sure I am relying on Him daily.

A week ago tonight my oldest son gave me some heartbreaking news. He informed Tim & I that he is planning on moving to Minnesota after Christmas, as he wants to be by family. Well, I will just tell you, at that moment I could have ripped his head off! I tried not to "let him have it", though, instead recounting my litany of arguments & complaints inside my head: I carried you for nine months inside of me and let you beat me up until I literally had bruises... I changed all of your diapers and fed you in the middle of the night... Then, I watched you go off to your first day of school... I watched you head out on your first date... To graduation... And so many other things that have occurred over the years... But you want to go live by family?!?!? To say the least, I was absolutely crushed. Through all of this, though, God has showed me so much. You see, I have always been afraid of the day something would happen to my parents, or Tim, and I would be alone. I am just starting to establish a relationship with a stepsister, and that is so neat, but I have five half-brothers and sisters somewhere in the world; and I have no idea of anything about them. My real father wants nothing to do with me. I thank God everyday for a "daddy" who loves me, my stepfather. However, what God has showed me is that everything will be OK, not easy, but OK. I always thought of my grandchildren growing up within a few miles from me, so I could babysit whenever my kids needed. Or have them all over to swim and enjoy lunch together after church. Every decision we have made regarding our backyard was in preparation for the day we would have grandchildren. It maybe they only come for a week or two in the summer, or we go there, I have no idea, but in all of this God stopped me last Friday and asked why I was mad at Justin for wanting to move, as an adult, when he would only be 1000 miles away. I would have the opportunity to relatively easily drive or fly to visit him. But what about the girls' grandmother? He suggested that I should think about the fact that she would not have the same freedom & opportunity to visit the girls if she allowed them move 6000+ miles away. Getting in a car to drive here would not be an option; and she would have to make a very long plane trip in order to see them. Or we would have to go there, which we would be willing to do, if that is what it will take for her approval, but realistically how often can we do so? And at her age, she possibly may never see them again. The girls are her family. I can honestly say I would not like to be in her situation. I so hope and pray that God is molding her heart so she can see the increased opportunities the girls will have here versus in rural Russia. I don't want to be selfish in this in any way. My love has grown so much for them. I have come to not call the "grandmother" any longer. Instead, I am now calling her "grandma". As she will always be part of us now. In the mean time, as we have so far been unsuccessful locating her, my heart breaks for her. I truly hope she is OK. They have had so much illness over in Ukraine. It is so sad.

Will I ever be happy about my son moving so far away? NO, NO, NO, but I do understand. He is an adult; and he has to do what is best for himself. And maybe a fresh start will actually be good for him. So, I hope and pray he will have a blessed life. (And it would be really nice if he meets a girl from Mississippi up there in Minnesota. At least then we know they would come home for the holidays!!!!)

We are still waiting for our I-711H to come in, then we will be ready to send everything off for our SDA appointment. YEAH!!!

We did get an email last week that said the SDA is still keeping all appointments, but that due to all of the illness going around all orphanages, schools and universities will be closed for two to six weeks. They are hoping this will help stop some of the spread of the illness. The are having a real problem with the Swine Flu, so I suppose that may be what Alyona had. We are not sure if she is out of the hospital, or not, but I sure wish we knew. I also wish we would hear anything about Kristina. From the descriptions we've heard, the director at Kiliya is not very friendly. He supposedly does not like to have "his" kids adopted out. He wants to keep them there for himself. What kind of life is that for the kids?!?!

I want to leave you with something I found on another blog. It brought tears to my eyes. When God calls a women to be an adoptive parent... He places in her heart something special...

Being an adoptive mother is not for every woman. She must possess not only the natural mother instinct but an understanding and appreciation of the situation that brought a child into her arms making her a mother. The adoptive family came to be by choices made, choices made by the first parents and by the adoptive parents. This bond the adoptive mother has with her child grows over time, like the child did within his first mother’s womb. Day by day, touch by touch, with each tear, kiss, and memory made they became a family. Adoptive mothers have that special knack to let love grow.

Adoptive mothers know that she’s a mender of wounds, not just of the physical skinned knees with a band-aid and a kiss, but of the heart. She gives love, acceptance, and permission to ask and talk about the day he was born and of his first parents. Adoptive mothers are embracers, not only of the child with many hugs and kisses, but of the child’s heritage and history. She embraces the facts of her child’s past with strength for herself and the child.

She’s not only a memory maker planning family vacations, activities, and birthday parties, but also a memory keeper. Details of a birth, photos of the hospital, and of the parents who brought her into the world are kept along side the newspaper clipping that announced it all. All these things are kept in a special book that tells the whole story.

She’s a tier of shoelaces and of hearts. She weaves lives together into a tapestry of a new family, with many different brightly, colored threads showcasing their individualities and family origins. Together they create one unit attached to each other.

Adoptive mothers are experts at finding lost objects, but understand and validate the profound, deep loss left by adoption. She allows the tears to fall and grief to be felt, allowing the mourning of the mom not there. She is secure in knowing that she’s not a replacement, but a finisher of a race for someone who, for whatever reason, could not run any longer.

This role is not for the weak of spirit, or the easily wounded. Loving a child not born to her but calling her own, but this is what she does, it is her calling. She is a mother.

I know I can never replace the girls' mom, nor would I want to. I just want them to have a better life, but I need to know it is a better life they want also.

Lynn